The Perks of Being a Fangirl
by Tina Marina
Summary: In which I am sucked into PotC by those humorless Fates. Self-Insert. Rated T for language.


**A/N: Hello all! Haven't you seen far too many sucked into PotC stories that deal with romance and adventure? Well, I thought I'd throw my hat into the ring and see what would really happen.**

**Disclaimer: I do own myself, but I don't own this francise. **

I checked the digital clock, my contacts protesting at the strain.

Ugh. 12:36. Definitely time to go to bed. It was far too late to be watching the second _Pirates of the Caribbean_ on _television_. It had gotten to the point where I couldn't tell what was the movie and what was a commercial (I should have known something was up when Jack started talking about car insurance).

My grubby little popcorn stained fingers scrambled for the remote, but I paused before clicking off the TV, admiring Johnny Depp's profile for just a second longer.

"For such an old and creepy dude," I mumbled, staggering upstairs, "He is pretty damn good-looking."

Not bothering with teeth, hair, or pajamas this late, I merely eased my eyes of their pain and slipped into a blind fuzz. Groping for the light switch, I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

Xxx

The dreams I had that night were decidedly odd. It was a weird mix between reruns of _Inside the Actor's Studio _and the first day of school in third grade. I was puzzling over why James Lipton was inside my classroom when, still asleep, I became aware of the fact that it was very hot.

Extremely hot. Like, _middle of the fucking Caribbean at high noon _hot.

Needless to say, I jolted out of—well, there wasn't a bed any longer. Instead, I spat out a mouthful of sand and tried to gauge what had happened. Was this some weird practical joke? It sure as hell wasn't my birthday; it was February! And besides, any friends of mine know that I hate the beach.

So where was I? That question became much less important when I realized that my feet were burning up on this sand.

"Fuck! FUCK!" I shrieked, hopping up and down to the best of my ability. Without the presence of mind to do much else, I ripped off my oversize sweatpants and stood on them. Luckily enough, I had some skimpy shorts on underneath, or I would have looked very foolish indeed.

Not to say that I was looking my best. The fact that I had skipped teeth, hair, and pajamas the previous night meant that I wasn't exactly looking my most fabulous this morning—noon—afternoon—whatever time of day it was. Also, due to the fact that nothing from my room had decided to join me on my little trip, I had no manner of sight. Glasses? On my bedside table. Contacts? Still recovering from all my Captain Jack ogling, most likely.

So, essentially, I was in a place I knew nothing about, save the climate, without anything but the clothes on my back—half of which that were now underneath my feet.

The sun did a decently good job of clearing my head, and I took in my surroundings. Definitely tropical, definitely coastline, as the surf was but feet away. Taking a deep breath, I did what any sane person would do—I began to sob loudly.

After a few good howls, though, I realized that that would be a grand old waste of water. I sucked all my snot back inside my blind-assed head and began to shout instead. "HELP!!! HEEEEEEELLLLLP!" I screamed.

Shit. I had forgotten to do my Spanish homework.

It was _just like me_ to be thinking about my unfinished homework in the middle of a thoroughly perplexing dream, wasn't it? And it was also just like me to actually use the word "perplexing" inside of my own head. In a dream. Or at least what I was kind of relying on being a dream.

Xxx

Maybe I had been transported to another continent. Like in _Heroes!_ Except I didn't have any superpowers, nor did this island locale seem to have any helpful turtles that could tell me where to find water.

There didn't seem to be much alive at all. In Jersey we at least have thousands of seagulls. I could have configured a way for them to fly me home. Well, this was a dream. Maybe I could convince myself to fly!

I spent a few minutes trying various methods of flight. Peter Pan didn't work, and I was crap at thinking happy thoughts this early in the morning. Superman was no help either. I stuck my fist in the air and tried to imagine that I needed to go save Lois Lane, but I kept getting distracted by how much the actress who plays Lois Lane on _Smallville _looks like Sarah Palin (she does!).

I was in the middle of, _Avatar_ style, trying to take off using my sweatpants as a glider, when I noticed a few shapes on the horizon. "Thank you! Thank you!" I shouted at my own dream brain.

I took off running towards the fuzzy outlines of what were either people or very slow velociraptors. "Hey. Hey! HELLOOOO!!!" I zigzagged down the sand, the blistering skin on my feet of no matter, for actual humans/prehistoric creatures were much more pressing.

I heard a far off thunk, and all of a sudden my arms and legs became extremely heavy. I sprawled onto the ground once more, my already poor eyesight beginning to flicker.

"Whhhahaa…" I sputtered, my tongue thick with thirst and my brain unable to think of anything more eloquent to say. "Hmmmahhhah?"

The round, furry shape of a coconut rolled into view. "Ooohhwasaa," I said. "Kakalalaanmhat." I struggled to bring my hand to my head, where I was amazed to feel something sticky. The damn coconut had _leaked_ on me! In my dream!

I blacked out for a second, and when I floated back onto the beach, I was staring a worn pair of boots straight in the eye. I tried my best to tilt my head in the general direction of the face attached to said boots, but my sight swum so badly I wasn't sure exactly what it was I was seeing.

"What do you think it is?" asked a nasal, British voice. It spoke with a morbid fascination rather than a concern, so I wondered if some sort of monkey had attached to my head. That would explain why it kind of hurt so much right now.

"Well, you can't be certain in these matters," another faceless voice announced. "Better safe than sorry." I heard an odd sort of clicking noise.

"Peeererrdon meeee," I said, "buuuu' who're yooouusses?" It was silent for a second. Then a sharp bang sliced through the air, and a musket ball through my head.

Damn.

The End.


End file.
